My history helping to create your new stories

My journey to be of service has been unconventional, transformational, painful, beautiful and miraculous. My quest to heal intense childhood trauma, white patriarchal conditioning, anti-queer and transphobic systemic BS (and more) has sometimes meant meeting a breakdown before a breakthrough. Many times I’ve had to choose courage in the face of change. But that change didn’t happen alone, and I’m better for the wisdom, support and kindness I’ve been offered on my path. Whatever terrain you’re traveling now, I seek to offer my own flavor of guidance, humor and coaching along the way.

Hi, I’m Calvin.

My work merges certified professional coaching, systems design, scientific behavioral research and some woo-adjacent healing modalities with the lived experience that got me here.
What I offer is thoughtfully curated based on what has been powerful in my own healing through the wounds of childhood poverty, abuse, learning challenges, wobbly self-trust, perfectionism, sensitive energetic antennas, being queer and trans, and existing within toxic systems of power.
It’s taken years of ingrained people pleasing, resentment and heartbreak — as well as a hell of a lot of self awareness — to get to a point where I can advocate for my needs and meet them for myself more and more every day.
How we see ourselves, relate to each other, and tell our own stories has the power to heal us and hold us up — if we let it. Reiterating and redesigning relationships for this purpose has become my life’s work in so many ways, and I’m excited to share it with you.

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Healing, humor, and a hell of a lot of heart

Real talk.

I’m direct, but I’ll always seek to be kind in my delivery and word choice. In coaching, we often work through expectations, patterns and beliefs and the havoc they can cause, which requires a good deal of realness. I’ll be honest, but always from a perspective of compassion (and humor where possible).

Connect dots.

I see systems and habits in place where they may no longer need to be, and where new structures could exist instead. I believe in curiosity over conclusions, and my neurodivergent brain has a superpower of connecting unseen dots into a bright constellation of new possibilities.

Celebrate your thoughts.

Together we can build a container of openness and non-judgmental exploration where you can have space to not know, to be curious, to compassionately acknowledge your learning, and laugh as much as possible. In our sessions, your experience and your healing is centered, supported, and celebrated.

Foundational Toolbox

Here are some of the primary tools I tend to access and offer in this work. How they’ll come together in each session is unique to you and what comes up.

I follow hunches, not conclusions. I believe it’s my job to ask useful questions so you can arrive at your own truths, envision new possibilities, and make shifts at the speed and scale that is best for you.
Healing is hard at times, for sure. Which is why it’s vitally important to leave room for humor and celebration. Laughter can loosen the grip our pain and shame have on us, and humor can show us where to find space in what feels tight.
Findings from the behavioral and scientific communities, while a bit of a moving target, can provide powerful insights that validate our experiences and natural ways of moving through the world. New knowledge means new actions.
Your known understanding of yourself gets fused together with my own energetic gifts and intuition in a way that allows us to exponentially magnify understanding and wisdom for your greatest potential.
I have decades of experience in collaborative work, and I spent 10+ years in Silicon Valley. Based on my past career experience in experiential and systems design, we apply a collaborative and supportive lens to human interpersonal dynamics, allowing you to generate ideas and possibilities for the shifts you want to make.
I have an awareness of and commitment to social justice and anti-oppressive frameworks, and there will be a deep honoring of the intersection of your identities, needs, privileges, and challenges. Together we are talking about individual behavior, but the understanding of how to change includes an understanding of systemic structures that affect why we do what we do.
Building a shared language and space for openness and witnessing can be a powerful and necessary landmark in the process of healing. There is always space for your experience to be heard and validated, even the parts you may not be proud of.
Whatever your mood, your headspace, your humanness, I will meet you wherever you are in each moment. I will show up just as I am too. We’re here for transformation, not performance. You don’t need to be anything you are not. You just need to be willing to be open to change over time.
I’ve personally tried many different healing modalities and have a network of talented people that offer transformative ways of letting go of our baggage and reconnecting to our authentic selves more fully. I can help you zero in on resources that can add additional support to your ride on this healing highway.
With your permission and when relevant, I can share my own experiences as a starting point. When we see how others have navigated their path, we can often find new inspiration to walk our own with confidence.

Sharing my superpowers

For most of my life, I was cut off from so many parts of myself, deep in self judgment and fear. I was scared someone would discover my deficiencies and determine these parts of me were unlovable, just like I had. I was scared to ask for what I needed or show who I really was, because I was terrified that my needs would go unmet and my true self would be rejected.

Through years of self discovery and exploration, I’ve been able to embrace more of my natural gifts and see them as the superpowers they are instead of the limitations I was conditioned to believe for most of my life. Now they get to be my gifts to you.

Dot Connector

I see interesting connections between systems, people and patterns with a thoughtful and strategic viewpoint, giving way to creative solutions and perspectives.

Neurodivergent

I’m uniquely wired to see the paradox in most things, to hold multiple truths and experiences and to help others see different perspectives.

Trans and Proud

As a trans man, I have a novel view of the world. Stepping into white male privilege is a daily exercise to make conscious choices that lift and celebrate others.

Solution-Oriented

I have a drive to constantly improve things within and around me. The essence of this is to ultimately create more joy through better experiences, processes, systems, behaviors, aesthetics and beyond.

Community Builder

Solutions plus communication equals connection, and I’m naturally built to cultivate community and relationships. I love linking people with each other and resources in ways that create powerful momentum.

Humor in Spades

I am serious about your healing, but I know that not all healing has to (or should) be so serious. Sessions often mean laughter, and I’ve got dad jokes for days (even though most times I don’t know that’s what they are).

Long story long.

In case you’re like me and you want all of the details of what got me here, this is it.

As a trans man who grew up queer and poor in a conservative town, as a survivor of childhood trauma, growing up socialized as female, even being a ginger, I got messages from family, school, media, laws — anywhere that has air to breathe — that I was both too much and not enough. **I grew up learning that my needs were secondary, if they were acknowledged at all, and that I had to minimize those needs in order to survive, to belong, and to be worthy of being lovable.** I brought those conditioned messages with me everywhere I went, and far into my adult life.
I was always taking too much in relationships at the wrong time, or giving too much of myself, boundaries be damned. I expected the people around me to read my mind, and to meet needs that were really for me to tend to on my own. Meanwhile, I rushed to meet everyone else’s perceived needs, often long before they anticipated them. **I was constantly scared of being found lacking, yet I simultaneously found others lacking all the time.** I over-gave what I didn’t have because I was afraid that others couldn’t give it to me in return.
In some ways it is a wonder that I was in a sixteen year non-monogamous relationship, with marriage and the last nine of those years being business partners. I loved her deeply. I also wanted her to meet expectations I had for our relationship and business that I thought would keep us safe and secure — expectations she certainly did not share because they were rooted in my trauma and fear, not hers. I thought this was the full extent of what love was, because I didn’t have models for what was possible or how we could act instead.
When that sixteen year relationship entered a point of crisis— what felt like a blow of betrayal shook me to my soul and disrupted my entire identity. Grief and rage flowed out of me, for weeks, for months, targeted straight at her. It wasn’t until later, in the depths of healing, that I acknowledged my part. I could see more clearly how the strategies I adopted as a kid in chaos to get my needs met had created countless invisible job descriptions for us both.
When I was able to begin recognizing how I contributed to our relationship — to all of my relationships — I found new approaches for what more easeful, joyful, and balanced connection could feel like.
These days, my former spouse is my best friend, and our relationship is stronger and more honest than it’s ever been. I love her now more for who she is than I think I ever could have before, not just who I thought she could or should be. And I met someone who I use these tools with every day. My current partner and I speak our needs, celebrate each other’s boundaries and meet each other without pretense. I seek to do this in all of my relationships. The transition of my marriage into deep friendship, and my new relationship, would not have been possible without everything I’ve learned to move past expectation and toward communication. These expanded tools now have a home in all areas of my life, from love to friendship, family to work, and even daily interactions with strangers on the street.

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Lived experience landmarks

Where I started, where I stumbled, and where I am now are vastly different. My coaching is embedded in a lifetime of experiences that may be different from yours, but they show that it’s possible to come through the other side of just about anything. (And I didn’t do it alone.)

Oldest to Young Parents

I’m the oldest of 4 kids born to teenage parents, and I became a very young caregiver of my siblings. I grew up fast like a chia pet, and had to figure out so much on my own. Now I’ve learned how to lean on myself with more love — and lean on my community.

Queer in the 90s

In 1996 at 13, I came out as a lesbian in a very conservative town and, in 2004 at 21, as a trans man living in San Francisco. Feeling like people didn’t understand me and our societal and institutional systems didn’t like/want me kept me in a space low self-worth. But years of mirrors from people who love me have reflected the strength of my queerness back to me.

Welfare Kid

I ate empty, sugary, welfare-priced foods, rocked someone else’s old clothes and started working at age 12 in my Nana’s tattoo shop. I’ve had to overcome a fierce scarcity mindset and navigate countless highs and lows with career and money.

Change Came For Me Hard

In the space of one year, I uncoupled from a 16 year relationship, closed the 9 year events business we shared and made my 5th career change. I’ve ridden massive grief tidal waves, lost my identity more times than I can count and had to recover and rebuild it. I get what it is to feel like everything is lost and having to go on a journey to find it.

Conditioned for Fear

I grew up in an abusive household and was perpetually afraid of the ghosts that haunted it for years. My nervous system was on high alert 24/7, aka I had fears for days. It’s taken a lot of work to shift my relationship to fear.

Dependent and Avoidant

Over the years, I’ve used (and depended on) alcohol, drugs, sex, sugar, media and other vices to self-medicate and numb. The truth is, sometimes it helped because I wasn’t ready to sit with the pain (harm reduction). I know what it’s like to do anything else than face what you’re afraid of, and have to find tools for self forgiveness and courage. #WorthIt

Speak to and uncover unseen dynamics with yourself and the people you care about.

The specifics of your story may be different than mine, but at the foundation of my work I believe we’re all looking to be understood, seen, and accepted.

Coaching and skills building is ideal for you if you want a clearer look at the patterns and behaviors that are driving your everyday actions and conversations.

It’s even more ideal if you feel like you’re saying so much, and still left feeling unheard, if you find yourself sitting in disappointment a lot of the time, and especially if you feel like the answers should be common sense but you’re not getting the outcomes you’re looking for.

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“Calvin shares his gifts generously and grounds his coaching in his own lived experiences.

Hearing anecdotes from his life and the things he’s been through only makes his approach more valuable…Calvin was there to hold space for me whilst also reminding me that I would move through this chapter just as he and many others had.”

— JAMES D.

Gratitude for getting schooled.

I am able to do this work because many people have shared their wisdom and teachings with me. Thank you to these mentors, teachers, guides, life lesson makers, joy riders, courage creators and collaborators— in order of shortest to longest name.

Healing is not one-size-fits-all.

That’s why it’s good to talk about what support you’re looking for, especially to answer any questions you have in advance. Let’s chat about what’s coming up for you and how our work together might align in a no pressure, no obligation 25 minute clarity call.

Book a Free Clarity Call