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Meet Invisible Job Descriptions, the unspoken expectations we assign each other and ourselves.

It feels good to have a role, to be known for something — until it doesn’t.

What starts as care can sometimes turn into invisible jobs we unknowingly assign each other.

Like the time you brought your hammer to your partner’s house to nail some portraits on the wall, only to find yourself labeled as “the handy one” for the rest of your relationship. You’re glad to help, but you’d prefer they didn’t automatically assume you’d always be available or willing to do all handywork for the rest of time. When did your hobby get so job-y?

It’s not just happening at home either. The workplace is full of unsaid expectations, and it’s contributing to slow work processes, frustration and confusion at all levels of organizations, mistakes made, and innovations not attempted.

When we make assumptions without fully communicating, we assign jobs without contracts to the people around us, and sometimes to ourselves. These expectations are so often under the radar and in the darkest parts of our understanding. Addressing these expectations is like putting on night vision goggles that allow us to see, and therefore shift, the dynamics we’re asking of ourselves and the people we care about.

Invisible job descriptions in the wild

Many times we’re participating in invisible job descriptions because we’ve been trained to. We experienced situations where our core needs could not be met (by people and systems of power), a sense of safety was missing, or our authentic self was unwelcome. The strategies we cleverly found to get through these moments are likely now getting in our way.

An invisible job description is at play when we expect someone to do something that is not explicitly asked and agreed to and is actually not their responsibility. We also do this to ourselves.

Here are a couple examples, big and small, of how invisible job descriptions can show up:

  • In the Workplace

    Believing you need to work extra on a project because it “should” be done a certain way when that wasn’t explicitly discussed. 


    (Does work for this client need extra polish? What is actually important to connect on at this stage? What is the extra work trying to achieve or signal?)

  • In the Headspace

    Assuming that your need(s) won’t get met so you don’t make them known. Perhaps you strategize ways to maneuver yourself in proximity to your need(s) in hopes that others will get the signal and show up.

    (When our needs cannot be met by others how do we show up for ourselves in those moments that doesn’t also punish those around us not being mind readers?)

  • At Homebase

    Feeling like your family member should “just know” how to take care of you when you’re sick. Where’s the soup delivery? You always do it for them.


    (You didn’t ask, so how would they know that’s what you need? They might not know the extent to which you feel sick or the effort you put in when you take care of them.)

  • At Homebase

    Defaulting to certain scripts in sex about who initiates, what sex looks like and whose pleasure gets prioritized. 


    (Where did these scripts come from? How do they bring you and your partner pleasure? How do they pull away from pleasure?)

The undercover roles we assign each other turn offers of care into unexpressed expectations.

When expectation becomes involuntary and talking about our needs gets stifled, miscommunication (or our lack of communication) can create the ideal temperature for disappointment and resentment to grow. Depending on how we show that disappointment, we may start unwittingly training others that it’s not a good thing when our requests don’t work for them, increasing the chances we’ll receive a “false positive” yes when we ask and trigger their own resentment.

What happens when one person is wearing disappointment and the other is wearing resentment? Let’s just say these two looks clash together.

Our work together can provide insights into unsaid expectations, new relationship scripts to redirect your conversations for the better, and tangible systems and tools to facilitate expanded awareness and action.

I’d love to be of support to you, your relationships, or your team.